There must be 30 Ways to Leave Your Lover

Ever wondered how to lose a girl in 10 days?

I found this thing on the internet and I've seen it spread around millions of times and it's just the biggest load of baloney I've ever read in my life... with the exception of maybe 3 points out of 30, the rest of this makes you look more pathetic than cute, and let me tell you why.

30 WAYS TO MAKE A GIRL SMILE (if by smile you mean wish she was dating someone else..)

1. tell her she's beautiful, not hot, or fine.

Uh... maybe it's the use of punctuation/sentence structure of this first point that already lets me know the rest of the list is gonna go to hell in a handbasket, but... come on now... What is this, the 1920's? Are we going to ask girls to a box social and pick them up at 6pm after getting permission from their 'Pa and they'll wear a pettycoat and secretly rouge their knees to be rebellious and roll their stockings down when no one's looking? We're living in 2010. Girls enjoy being called 'beautiful'... yes... but there is absolutely a place and time to say a girl is 'hot'. We're women. We like to feel sexy... we like to know we can turn you on AND be that girl next door well-behaved lady at the same time... so long as you're not derrogative, you're fine.

2. hold her hand at any moment you can.

Please don't. She's got things to do.... like, perform bodily functions, go to work, answer work calls, work on excel spreadsheets due yesterday, go grocery shopping.
When in a relationship, it is NOT necessary to hold hands every second of the day. Holding hands doesn't prove you're in a relationship. It's a nice thing to do that should be enjoyable and intimate... not a desperate need to cling on for dear life so the whole world can see she's yours/taken and no one can take her from you. Also, be weary of warm sweaty hands.

3. kiss her on the forehead

You might as well tuck her in and read her a bedtime story while you're at it. Don't forget a warm glass of milk.
Kiss her EVERYWHERE. not just her forehead. forehead kisses are reserved for times where she's asleep in your arms. for times when you're taller and she's shorter and she's just kinda nuzzled in your arms during senior prom slow dancing... the rest of her body craves your lips just as much. explore it. john mayer was onto something when he said our body is a wonderland.

3. leave her voice messages to wake up to.

Or don't, and pretend you did. Let's face it... wake up calls are cute for a while, but when you start dictating when she is to get up so that it accomodates your schedule, and she just wanted 5 more minutes of sleep because the past two nights she was up watching two and a half men with you until god knows how long only for you to say 'well, i'm going to bed'.... just not cool.
Unless you're in a serious relationship, and even then, I wouldn't suggest this to be a common every day thing.... when you've just started dating someone and are still getting to know them the last thing you want to do is be overbearing and constantly call/text/email and send little notes like

7:45am..
Hey! I was just thinking about you... I know you're probably sleeping, but I just wanted to say that! teehee!

8am..
hey! so i just had my morning coffee, and i was out of half&half, and that made me remember how you said you cut your finger accidentally when slicing an orange in half and i just wanted to say i hope your booboo is okay! i'll bring over some bandaids tonight!

8:30am
weird... you still haven't replied... well, i just wanted to wish you a good morning. i'm getting some more coffee. big lineup at starbucks. oy vey.

8:36am
success! i am now the proud owner of a mocha latte... with whipped cream! so sweet... but not as sweet as you. aww! can't wait to see you again... the green in the starbucks logo reminds me of your green purse which you kept digging through while we were having dinner last night... i wonder what you were looking for? anyway... trinkets and yumyums! bye! xox


and so on...and so forth.....

5. when she is upset, hold her tight and don't let her go.

Contrary to popular belief, this is terrible advice. Women are overly emotional human beings... we are emotional before we are rational. When she's upset, she's one of three things... PMSing... a bitch, or actually upset about something.... in any of these three cases it's better you let her just cool off and calm down and become a little more rational after she's whined and bitched about whatever her issues are with her other girlfriends who are probably at home watching re-runs of gossip girl or sex and the city. THEN you can offer your advice or a listening ear... be forewarned, approaching this chaotic female beforehand could be damaging to your person.

6. recognize the small things. they usually mean the most

i don't even know WHAT they're trying to say with this one but i'm assuming it's about taking into account the little things women do... well... yeah, that goes without saying. but it's a total two -way street. take things at face value. never read deeper into something than what it actually is.....

7. call her sweetie, not baby.

Or don't call her either...everyone has their pet names I guess.... I'm personally very picky about the things I enjoy being called.. many things just seem too corny for me... others sound endearing... whatever... not gonna get into a pet-names debate because everyone's entitled to their own quirks. Call her whatever the hell she enjoys being called.... things that end in 'pookie' or 'bunny' should be abolished.

8. sing to her no matter how horrible your voice is.

Maybe. In karaoke... or jokingly.... or if she's into guys who sing and its about the sentiment and not the talent.... but... sometimes songs are better interpreted by the artist who recorded them...

9. pick her over all the other girls you hang with.

No. Grow a pair and maintain healthy relationships with other women. It's okay. She has relationships with other guys too. Trust me. So long as you two have your trust stuff in the clear and no one is getting funky outside of the house... there's no issue.. hell sometimes you all even become mutual friends. Prioritize your girlfriend and yours plans over a night with your buddies? Maybe, but never leave your friends for a relationship.... a relationship may be long lasting, but for the most part your friends were there much before that, and will be there much after that.

10. write her notes (she loves them)

Some girls do. Other girls will think the next step is finding notes made out of newspaper cutouts asking for ransom for their first-born child. Don't get all emo. Little notes are cute/touching sometimes and when done in an unexpected, random way.... don't cover her room in post-its...

11. introduce her to family and friends as your girlfriend.

Please make sure she is actually your girlfriend before you go ahead with this one. Wishing she was your girlfriend doesn't make her so... and when she is someone else's girlfriend, but your parents see her and go 'hey! please! come over for dinner anytime! our son has told us all about you! welcome to the family!' you might want to reconsider whatever perception you have of this girl... If she IS your girlfriend, however, be wary of immediately becoming over eager and introducing her to all your friends and family... take some time to get to know her first...make sure she's not a freakshow... that you two can actually hold a conversation together more than a couple weeks... once the 'family' is introduced all things change. there's more parties involved. etc.

12. play with her hair. if it smells good tell her.

Playing with her hair doesn't mean, run your fingers through it so thoroughly she has to re-style/brush her hair, or end up throwing it in a ponytail by the time you're done with it.... it's not a scalp massage... it's you playing with her hair. stick to the hair, and avoid messing it up. you'd bitch at us just the same if we did it to you.

13. pick her up, tickle her, play wrestle with her.

Sure... but don't almost kill her in the process. girls, are not guys. you can't throw a girl on the floor and play fight with her and beat her up like you're in the MMA/UFC. I know it sounds appealing... but it isn't. girls, for the most part are not built to take you on... now, if your tickles/play wrestling lead to sex... that's differerent. there's definitely a place and time and enjoyment for that in its rightful way... but don't treat your girl like she's your guy buddy, or fight club rival. you might get a swift kick to the ballz.

14. pick her up and act like you're going to drop her and she will scream and yell let her down even though she loves it.

She's an adult, not a child. So I'm pretty sure if she says 'put me down'... she means it. Unless you're in some sort of incredibly kinky roleplay and she just hasn't dropped a safeword... you probably shouldn't be doing things to girls that they don't want done.

15. tell her funny jokes, tell her stupid jokes, okay just tell her jokes.

Totally. But don't expect her to laugh at every single one of them... sometimes people are not funny all the time and that is okay. I will say one thing though... 9 out of 10 girls will say a good sense of humour is the first thing that attracts them to a guy... Use it to your advantage, but don't be a clown.

16. throw pebbles at her window in the middle of the night just because you miss her.

This isn't Romeo and Juliet. This isn't even the 80s..rule of thumb: don't show up uninvited in the middle of the night and throw pebbles at her window. Chances are she's asleep, will be startled, and her first thought will be someone is trying to break into her room... not that her sweet prince charming boyfriend is coming in for a late night booty call. If you want her, text her... if she doesn't respond, she's probably sleeping. LET HER SLEEP. She probably has things to do in the morning too... and don't you have to be up for work in a few hours?!

17. let her fall asleep in your arms.

absolutely. nothing feels better to a girl than cozying up to big strong arms to let her rest on. it's soothing and comforting and intimate and nice and lovely and safe and all those things. that being said, once she's asleep, if you've got something to do it is okay to gently move away and go do your thing... she's probably still sound asleep.

18. carve your names into a tree.

....and then be fined by Parks and Rec in your hometown, or a forest ranger.... for damaging nature.

19. if she's mad, kiss her.

...or... let her cool off, instead of trying to get laid even though she's clearly not in the mood.

20. give her piggy back rides

Are we 14 years old? idgi. Am I the only girl who sees these things as unnecessary and out of place? Like maybe the ocassional piggy back ride jokingly... but... she's your girlfriend, not your toddler.

21. bring her flowers just because.

DON'T bring flowers when you did something wrong and you know it. flowers in these situations are just a way to say ''i fucked up and i know it, G. I guess it's bittersweet poetry'' and she'll just know you can't actually admit to being wrong or to have faults, so you'll try and mask it with gifts and material goods in hopes she'll forget about it.
if nothing is wrong, and you really are genuinely just cutting fresh flowers from your mom's garden to bring over... then hey, you're as chivalrous as they come.......and probably extinct.

22. treat her the same around your friends as you do when you're alone.

unless how you treat her around your friends is terribly and you kinda ignore her and pretend she's not there because you don't want to be embarassed infront of your male macho buddies and don't want to show you're a human being with feelings... so even though your girlfriend is one of the guys and they love hanging out with her and will have a conversation with her, you pretend she doesn't exist.. yet turn on the charm when it's just the two of you in a room. be congruent with your actions. if you're nice one way you're nice the other. don't play games. be open, be honest. be direct.

23. let her take as many pictures as she wants.

don't, however, flood your/her facebook with photos of you guys making out or feeding your puppy and wiping each other's ass after you've had a diarrhea of love and rainbows come out of you. we get it. you're happy. you're in love. the world doesn't need to see everything.

24. slow dance with her even if there isn't music playing

what is this, the notebook?!

25. kiss her in the rain

okay...now this is really the notebook.

26. take long walks on the beach at night with her.

are you there, nicholas sparks? it's me, desiree.

27. wait outside her house in the pouring rain to surprise her when she gets home.

If you're John Cusack or a serial killer, I guess this is a great idea.... otherwise, why not go home...and stay dry... and just call her and say you wanted to come see her and to let you know when she's home?

28. when she's ill stay by her bedside.

Sure, be supportive and attentive and helpful.... but know she also has family and loved ones and you don't have to carry the whole thing on by yourself.... she will appreciate you being there for her nonetheless and she would do the same for you.

29. play fight with her and let her win.

NO WAY! If you two agreed to play fight each other...it's a fair fight between both of you and whoever wins, is the winner... whether its you or her... if she agreed into it and she likes to play rough, don't go easy on her.

30. most importantly, if you love her, tell her.

Totally. But don't tell her every two minutes. Those words are hard to say for a reason. Take a quality over quantity approach to it. Say it if and when you mean it.. don't just throw it around



------BRIEF RECAP: it's okay to be cute sometimes... we all do it.. but do it in moderation, and remember the quality over quantity rule. a man should be a man... and the girly stuff should be left to the woman. if she wanted to be with a girl, she would be........trust me on that one. ------